A Silly Little LOTR Story

Part Three:


''Rule Number One!' yelled Wayne. 'No one sits in the presence of the King, nor stands higher than the King, coz he is betterer than the lot of us.' Wayne suddenly grinned awkwardly and looked down at the horse he was sitting on, then at all the other Riders sitting on their horses, then at King Eomer standing way down there, on the ground, below them all. Then he shrugged, still grinning, and carried on.



''Rule Number Two! All Riders must have luvverly long golden locks - no baldness allowed. The punishment for this is life impr - Whoa! Let's skip to the next one, shall we?!!!'' stammered Wayne, hastily. ''Tea-tea-tea-hmm . . . Ah! Here we are, sire!''



''Rule Number Eleventy-One: Tea belongeth to the King and to the King only. As the old song, translated from Elvish verse, tells . . . ''



Tea is luvverly,

Tea is nice,

Tea is for the King!

Yep!''






All the Riders sighed at the depth, the beauty, the simplicity of these words, long-ancient and much-beloved.



After a thoughtful pause, Wayne continued - but his voice was severe. ''And the punishment for taking tea from his Majesty is . . . Oh. Err . . .''



'Yes?'' said Eomer expectantly, eyes bulging. ''What be-eth thy-eth punishmenteth for Rule-eth Eleventy-One?''



Wayne peered at the scroll so hard his squinting eye stuck to the paper. 'Oh, sire! It seems . . . there is no punishment for Rule Eleventy-One!' The shocked soldier prised his eye from the scroll and showed it (the scroll, not his eye) to all and sundry. 'See! Whoever wrote these rules down ... seems to have got fed up.'' He gestured at where the Eleventy-One section just stopped at '...will suffer the punishmentofArghwhocares', just like that.

''What a nerve,'' said Eomer. ''Who has done this? They shall clean the castle hamster cage.''



''It was written many, many, many hundred miliseconds ago,' said Wayne sadly. 'About a day ago. I'm afraid the writer will be untracable. But Majesty! You can make up your own punishment, for thou art King!' And Wayne did this cringy, sucker-up bow - and all the other Riders copied him - and they all fell off their horses. It was embarassing.



Eomer walked a way off for a bit, steaming, and watched an orc cheating while playing cricket with a cave troll. Then he walked back over to where the Rohan soldiers stood, rubbing their sore heads. ''Right you lot, any ideas in your noggins?''



Splat! A cake of mud came sailing like a Grey Havens ship through the air, missing Eomer's head by two miles.



''BAHHH!'' came a regretful tone. On a distant hilltop, Meriadoc Brandybuck stood with another cake of mud dripping from his hand, muttering after his utterly pathetic aim. 'MISSED. BUT DIS TIME FOR SURE!' He drew back his hand to let fly his second mud pie. This time it fell four miles short of its target. 'GARGH!' The horrible hobbit ran off to hide. He didn't have the stolen bag of tea so he must have hidden it somewhere.



Eomer raised an eyebrow. ''O...........k'' he said, dragging his hand down his face. He took out a crayon and paper and drew a rubbishy picture of Merry with, ''Wanted: Mewiadoc Bwand ee buck. Reewaard, lots 'n' lots!'' written beneath it.



''Make one trillion, one hundred and four 'n' a half copies of this,'' he ordered Wayne. ''Right, bring the castle hamster!''



BOOM BOOM BOOM.



Drums sounded as a creaky, about-to-fall-apart-any-second cart, pulled by two baby wild men came staggering up towards them. On it was a massive cage, in which a humungo hobbit (who looked a lot like a hamster, due to having hair all over him and big cheeks stuffed with food) sat hunched up in the corner, watching Eomer with unblinking eyes. He had just had his second breakfast, and was looking out for more.

Part Six:

Eomer sat on a tree stump watching the giant Hambit scuffle around. Eomer had just taken advice from a completely different passing Hobbit to have a second breakfast and now the King had a whopper stomach ache. Eomer picked up the pair of binocuscopes which broke immediately. Things from Lothlorian obviously were losing their quality and reputation.


The Hambit hid infront of Merry, sitting on the soldier that was looking after him, hoping the hobbit would not see him. Then he made some really loud munching noises, as he tried to calm his nerves. He was sure Merry had caught sight of him.


''PIPPIN?!'' Merry squeaked. He was certain his cousin Pippin was huddled in that large thornbush growing right before his feet. Trust Pippin to try get in on all the fun and tea-stealing. With a slow smile spreading across his face, Merry moved back his hand, mud pie ready loaded, took careful aim . . . and threw.



It was the biggest mud pie anybody in the world had ever made and it completely smothered the thorn bush, plus whatever was hiding in it. There was a terrific yell.

Part Eight:


While all this reasonable stuff was going on, Dr R. Ohan was making an important discovery.


''Elves - do they or do they not exist.''

He lifted his magnifying glass and peered at the weedy elf in the giant glass jar.
''Do you exist?''  said he, poking it with a stick through the top.
 ''I dunno!'' wailed the elf, who happened to be Legolas' cousin twice removed and not very fair of face, to be honest. He slammed his piggy nose against the jar glass, making his snout even piggy-er. ''I dunno-o-o-o-o! What's it all about, eh? What's it all about?'' He pointed at a stethoscope. ''Can I pway with that, pweese?''

''Most peculiar!'' Said the doctor writing it all down in a notebook. ''But this, I DUNNO, what could it mean? Is it another language?'' he studied the writing for three hundred and forty three minutes and then....
'' I.....D.U.N.N.O, I dunno, dun, don, don't........''
''Aha, incredible, remarkable, astounding!!!!'' he shouted, finally. ''I, Dr R.Ohan, have discovered that this creature does NOT know if it exists or not!''

Clap................ clap.......... clap......... An orc in another jar did a slow, pathetic clap.

Meanwhile, the Hambit saw red and green and lilac after it sat on the sword. It bellowed like a giraffe and charged at Merry.
Merry turned into a cherry, a big fat purpley-red one, so scared was he; a cherry with a hairy top and hairy feet. He couldn't scream coz he hadn't a mouth, so he just ran. He ran around the Hambit, over the Hambit's trainer, down the hill . . . and stopped short.
The chinchillas were coming up the hill towards him, getting low on fuel as they dragged Eomer behind them. Suddenly, they looked up in unison, at Merry the Cherry. All the chinchillas' eyes went wide, all their pupils turned into cherries, red and succulent. And they all roared and went after the hobbit-that-was-not-a-hobbit-but-a-cherry.

Part Ten:

The Hambit gurgled in delight as he caught the disgusting smell of roasting Merry.
Eomer started filling out the insurance form for the chinchillas, muttering something about modern quality.

HOOOOOORAY! HURRAH! Cheered the inhabitants of Rohan, as DR R. Ohan was given a trophy by the OCEBBB (the Official Committee of Extra Brainy Brain Boxes) consisting of
DR O. rc and professor L. Egolass (No conspiracy)

To mail the insurance form, Eomer called the postal service of his choice - Baby Orc Express. . . . . . . . . About 15 hours later a baby orc tottered up to Eomer wearing a purple T-shirt with a long-drawn and hardly convincing slogan which read -'' Wot U Want Delivered, We deliver for the crowd-drawing price of: all ya money, We are veeeeewee fwedlee so don't delay, call Baby Orc Express Toda. The baby Orc Turned around to show the letter ''Y'' of the last word (The last letter was at the back of the T-shirt because it wouldn't fit on the front.

'' Wot u want Eh? Wat U want?'' said the baby orc, a frightfully angry expression on his little green face. Eomer was slightly startled by the orc's behavior and did not answer for a good 3 seconds, until the baby orc got impatient and made a few angry gestures.
''W-Well, I was wondering i-if you could deliver this t-to ~Treebeards Right good like Taxi Company~ p-please?'' asked Eomer, handing the form in a sealed envelope to the unlikely little delivery man.

Part Twelve:

Meanwhile, Merry's eyes snapped open. ''Ow,'' he said, feeling heat on his hairy hobbit feet. '. . .Ow..OW! OW,YOWY,OUCH!' He jumped; four feet high he jumped, and two hundred and fifty five feet across. He landed in a thorn bush, leapt another five feet and landed on the ground. He turned around to face two humungo, red hot, goggling eyes.
Merry's eyes goggled out, he ran around in a tiny circle for no reason in particular then climbed up a nonexistent ladder.
The Hambit shuffled after him, frying pan in hand, eyes fuming, teeth gnashing. Merry climbed back down the ladder and ran like a hobbit being chased by a giant hamster. A cave troll wearing a beret and painting shirt saw Merry being chased by the giant, lumbering Hambit. He set up his easel under a tree and started painting the scene.

'H-hold it right there,' said the troll, measuring them up with his paintbrush.
Merry turned to the cave troll and, pointing at the Hambit, let out an ear-piercing shriek of: ''Help!!!''

The cave troll frowned. ''Oh GREAT! Can't you keep still? Now I have to start all over again!'' He said while crumpling the messy, stick figure Merry being chased by what resembled a giant hairy football with red eyes and putting it in his pocket. He whipped out another, fresh one from his ear.