THE LOST WEAPONS Part III "Hey Jonny. Haven't we seen that guy before?"*Owen said in reference to a person our dad was talking to outside the ship*"Yeah we have."*he replied**Johnny gets a blaster from a rack*"Whoa,we can't just blast him to death. Then we would have the Imperial's on us."*Owen said*"If anyone motions for a weapon,then I will. Deal?"*he replied*"Deal."
TOO BE CONTINUED
On a side note,I mean what existed of the Sith empire during the force-O-meter wars. Not a galactic empire.
..."So you want me to take a shipment of illegal weapons to D,Qar."*our Dad said*"Yes,and if they get caught then the people who will take them from you will be angry,and will ask me where they are. And I will track you down and make you explain."*he motions behind his back,to two guards*"Or else."
* five minutes later * *the last container is loaded onto The Newbegining*"So that is all for now?"*our Dad asks*"For now,you may go."*he replies**our Dad gets onto the ship and we leave*"So,how did it go?"*Jonny asks*
I would just like to announce that within the next couple weeks, I plan to start again on this story. I know it`s been a while, but I haven`t finished what I started. So to take advice from Kylo Ren"I will finish what you started." That is all for now.
“Right now it doesn`t matter. Lets just get out of here.”*our dad replies**both Owen and Jonny are confused*
* about a minute after they take off * “So what are we hauling anyways?”*Owen asks*“We`re hauling weapons to D,Qar.”*our dad replied**they all hear a strange noise from outside the NewBegining*
TO BE CONTINUED Sorry it`s short, I just want to build excitement.
-last edited on May 8, 2018 12:12:01 GMT by TG-5102
Post by TG-5102 on May 8, 2018 12:11:42 GMT
THE LOST WEAPONS Part VI
“Weapons? Why weapons?”*Owen asks* “Is it important to know why? Besides what kind of weapons?”*Jonny replies* “I guess you can open the crates and look at them but be careful with them, If one of them is missing or damaged, they`ll want my head.”*our dad replied*
* about a minute and a half after that conversation * “Hey Owen, what are these?”*Jonny asks*”They look like E-11s, but why do these guys have them, or want them, whichever it is. Is that a SE-14? Some`un will pay quite the credits for one of those on the black market.”*Owen said*
*the NewBeginning is stopped and pulled closer to a ship by a tractor beam, and the lights go out, being replaced by red flashing lights*
Post by sithkitten2971 on May 16, 2018 20:20:56 GMT
Hi! You mentioned you'd like some feedback on your story, so here I am. And don't worry, you don't have to take any of my suggestions if you don't want to.
I like the plot; it's engaging and interesting, and I definitely want to know what's going to happen next. The chapters are a bit short, but it helps to add suspense. (That's a thumbs up. Sometimes the emotes don't work)
However, I would recommend you work on formatting your story. For example:
"Hey Jonny. Haven't we seen that guy before?"*Owen said in reference to a person our dad was talking to outside the ship*"Yeah we have."*he replied**Johnny gets a blaster from a rack*"Whoa,we can't just blast him to death. Then we would have the Imperial's on us."*Owen said*"If anyone motions for a weapon,then I will. Deal?"*he replied*"Deal."
It's a little unclear on who's talking here because all of the characters' dialogue is compressed into one paragraph. If you hit enter after each line of dialogue, it will be much clearer.
"Hey Jonny. Haven't we seen that guy before?"*Owen said in reference to a person our dad was talking to outside the ship*
"Yeah we have."*he replied**Johnny gets a blaster from a rack*
"Whoa,we can't just blast him to death. Then we would have the Imperial's on us."*Owen said*
"If anyone motions for a weapon,then I will. Deal?"*he replied*
"Deal."
Here is the same paragraph, but with the dialogue spaced out, like so. Now, we can see that Owen is the one that said, "Whoa, we can't just blast him to death. Then we would have the Imperial's on us" and Jonny is the one that said, "If anyone motions for a weapon, then I will".
Is that good feedback? Like I said before, you don't have to take it; it's just a suggestion. I do hope it helped you though. And if you want more advice, I'm available.
~Kitty
Darth|Tallium "Just because my path is different doesn't mean I'm lost."
Hi! You mentioned you'd like some feedback on your story, so here I am. And don't worry, you don't have to take any of my suggestions if you don't want to.
I like the plot; it's engaging and interesting, and I definitely want to know what's going to happen next. The chapters are a bit short, but it helps to add suspense. (That's a thumbs up. Sometimes the emotes don't work)
However, I would recommend you work on formatting your story. For example:
"Hey Jonny. Haven't we seen that guy before?"*Owen said in reference to a person our dad was talking to outside the ship*"Yeah we have."*he replied**Johnny gets a blaster from a rack*"Whoa,we can't just blast him to death. Then we would have the Imperial's on us."*Owen said*"If anyone motions for a weapon,then I will. Deal?"*he replied*"Deal."
It's a little unclear on who's talking here because all of the characters' dialogue is compressed into one paragraph. If you hit enter after each line of dialogue, it will be much clearer.
"Hey Jonny. Haven't we seen that guy before?"*Owen said in reference to a person our dad was talking to outside the ship*
"Yeah we have."*he replied**Johnny gets a blaster from a rack*
"Whoa,we can't just blast him to death. Then we would have the Imperial's on us."*Owen said*
"If anyone motions for a weapon,then I will. Deal?"*he replied*
"Deal."
Here is the same paragraph, but with the dialogue spaced out, like so. Now, we can see that Owen is the one that said, "Whoa, we can't just blast him to death. Then we would have the Imperial's on us" and Jonny is the one that said, "If anyone motions for a weapon, then I will".
Is that good feedback? Like I said before, you don't have to take it; it's just a suggestion. I do hope it helped you though. And if you want more advice, I'm available.
![[o]](http://storage.proboards.com/6672327/images/FJDNhEecZNyglfsLlesv.png)
five minutes later 
That is all for now.
![[y]](http://storage.proboards.com/6672327/images/WYWPH2VRo26pOFDid7QZ.png)
(That's a thumbs up. Sometimes the emotes don't work)